"Desire" by @tearsfromheaven (ISSUE 1 -MAY 2026)

They think they know me. That they see me. And that is their first mistake, though I don't blame

them. There is a way that this city looks at you, with its soft focus at sunset. Through a filter of

smog and haze, it creates a beautiful and brilliant illusion. And I learned to exist under that

golden light.

They like to decide about you here, what you are, right away. “What do you do?” “Where are

you from?” I did not know that my value would immediately rely on these questions. So I

learned. And I was assigned my image by them.

The image of a pretty little girl who belongs on boys laps in fast cars. Whipping around the

mountains at midnight, sparkling twinkling lights dazzle through my hair with the top down.

Late night milkshakes, mini skirts caught on their leather seats. A stargirl who knows exactly

what she's doing, flashing dimples with her teeth.

Playing the upper hand, playing with fire, with desire.

For a while I went along with it, it’s easier than correcting the script. I thought it could get me

farther this way too.

But somewhere amongst the assumptions and the boxes, I would spot her there.

In the back of a bar, a gaze that cut through every empty body in the room.

Tension so palpable it was undeniable. The feeling was not loud, but it was consuming.

A silence that granted me confirmation rather than absence of what I felt inside of me. This space

between inner and outer judgement is where I found my love for other girls. Girls who look like

boys and butches. Masculinity at its finest. The crux of my desire, my reason that I walk the

earth.

I still find myself slipping into old habits when I'm alone in a crowded space. I change the

language of my behavior to one that feels safer. One that is accepted.

But it does not hold the same comfort that it used to. And there is no point in hiding, it lives in

everything I do. The way I talk, the things I like, my interests, what I see in others, how easy it is

for me to tell when someone is hiding something too.

I can’t shake it, it is my truth. And, like they always say, the truth will set